Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
New menu item
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this