90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!