These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
You Might Also Like
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.