[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Best seat on the street 😍
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Try and stop me.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.