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Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.