[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*