Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Guys, I found it.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?