found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
You Might Also Like
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When can I start eating bats again.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.