I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
You Might Also Like
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.