My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.