Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My dad is at it again
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
set yourself free xox