I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
In Canada they just call them geese
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”