My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.