I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
You Might Also Like
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”