Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Finally! 😈
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine