Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Beauty and the Beast
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??