If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.