Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine