<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
That’s it.I’m out.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right