Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
“I wouldn’t.”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.