I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Xylophonist Shredding It
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.