My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
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*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house