Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.