[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
You Might Also Like
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
fr
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?