It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
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just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
one last job
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Fight
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy