WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*