A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.