Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal