every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
the dark web is just a goth google.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours