I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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Legend 🤣🤣
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Cinematography is my passion
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.