My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
no such thing as a dumb question
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?