You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Encore…
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.