me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Hello Twits.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”