A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
i actually laughed 😩
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.