Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
This is why I hate group projects
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?