My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse