*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else