How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.