You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
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We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.