Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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“I’m helping” 😅
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
british sex workers really pound for pound
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”