#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime