The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
finally found a reasonable question
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*