Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.