“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
What about a To-Don’t List?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
fired
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
How I’d get arrested…
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.