Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.