Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch