Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?