Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
not seeing the problem
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.