Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.