My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
reminder
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!